Candid(oh)eights: The Republicans

I can't believe I stuck with that stupid title

Let’s make something abundantly clear: Ronald Reagan was an awful president.

Among other sins, Reagan supported some of the most vicious right-wing dictators Latin America has ever seen. His trickle-down economic theory of Reaganomics bears much of the responsibility for widening this nation’s gap between rich and poor, and in its current incarnation with the Bush administration has done a fine job of dividing the country into a nation of those who are fu**ing and those who are fu**ed. Reagan supported the brutal apartheid regime in South Africa right up until the moment it dissolved, and only the most naïve, misty-eyed College Republican would believe that Reagan did not have full complicity in selling weapons to Iran in return for the release of American hostages and using the money to fund a group of rape-and-torture thugs known as the Contras of Nicaragua. Finally, Reagan is credited as having “won the Cold War,” when in fact, the Soviet Union was a rusting tank with a shiny coat of paint slapped on its exterior, an empire of popsicle sticks bound to collapse under the weight of its own ideologically-driven stupidity. Our boy Ronny only managed to prolong and exacerbate that conflict, or as acclaimed historians Douglas Brinkley and Stephen Ambrose point out in their book Rise to Globalism about the sudden outbreak of peace during the 1980’s, “Much of the change in the world had come about despite, rather than because of, Reagan.”

Having said all this, I love that the current crop of Republican presidential nominees evoke Reagan as much as possible because the current leader of their party has the courage and intellectual fortitude of a cancerous prostate. The first party debate attempted to solve little more than who could fit more of Ronald Reagan’s dick into his mouth while still spouting meaningless clichés (although, in all fairness this is the fun birthday party game that Republican parents teach their children instead of “chubby bunny”).

In a sharply vectored political turnaround, the Republicans, only three years after having sown up a seemingly invincible majority, are now playing The Phantom Menace to the Democrats The Empire Strikes Back. The Republican candidates for ’08 are the sorriest bunch of no-names and losers since the Markley family reunion that only I attended. Unfortunately, electing a president is not a five-on-five basketball game. The Democrats will only get the Republican’s best shot, so we should all pay attention. Let’s start with the “perceived” front-runners.

First off, there is “It’s my turn! It’s my turn, guys!” candidate, John McCain. McCain has hot-glued himself to the Iraq war by supporting the Surge, which has dwindled his credibility among independent voters and anyone else who does not live in the world of sugar-plum trees and apple-candy IEDs. Furthermore, anyone who watched the ex-maverick senator from Arizona get his balls handed to him in a debate with Jon Stewart of The Daily Show may have difficulty believing in a President McCain.

Next, you have the ex-governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney, who has no real conceivable advantage except for everything that counts: looks and money. As the most blow-dried, telegenic candidate, Romney has bucketfuls of cash coming down the pipe from his boys at the Mormon church. What he doesn’t have is a consistent record on anything, having changed his mind at a very politically convenient moment on abortion, gay rights, gun control, and “doggy style” (I think he, like me, is pro). By conservative standards, Romney may not be viewed as a true believer. I hate to throw around the term “flip-flopper” because it’s a simplistic label that only betrays the thrower-arounder’s lack of intelligence, but when I go to the beach the webbed area between my big toe and second toe will now be chaffed by my “Romneys.”

Finally, we have the current leader in the polls, ex-mayor of the Big Apple, Rudy Giuliani. Giuliani self-servingly bases his entire bid for the presidency on his leadership during the attacks of September 11th, 2001. However, have you ever wondered what Giuliani actually did that made him America’s hero? No? Of course, not. Once the media gets to slurping someone to Giuliani-esque proportions, not many of us stop and wonder what actually happened. The truth is that Rudy's big move of the day was setting up New York City’s command and control headquarters at 7 World Trade Center, a building that soon collapsed. In reality, Giuliani’s response to that catastrophic event was barely par for the course. He provided a symbol of leadership in a time when the president was reading about goats to children, but besides that symbolism, the myth of the heroic 9/11 mayor is mostly a media creation. For a full account of Giuliani’s actual 9/11 activities, I highly recommend an article in The Village Voice called “Rudy’s Grand Illusion.”

In addition, I can tell you right now that as popular as he may be, Giuliani will not survive the Republican base. He stumbles through answers about his pro-choice beliefs like he’s actually holding an aborted fetus while speaking. And can you imagine what his opponents will do to him during the South Carolina primary? Anyone with internet access can find footage of Giuliani marching in a gay pride parade. I wonder how that will go down with your average Joe Homophobe. Hell, I’ve never even marched in a gay pride parade, and I’m more pro-gay rights than most gay people. I actually believe that only gay couples should be allowed to marry, seeing as how heterosexual copulation leads to nothing but trouble (witness Paris Hilton, Joseph Stalin, myself).

Who else does this leave? There are ten candidates running for the Republican nomination, and I’ve named only three. Among the remaining seven, as well as an ex-Law & Order actor, none have enough money, support, or charisma to carry them past the very hierarchical Republican primary. This is too bad, as I see Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, a mild-mannered, palatable choice for independent voters, as perhaps the Republican’s best shot at taking the general election. I would also recommend that Reaganatics get down on their knees and pray to their god that Indiana senator Dick Luger chooses to join the race, as he may be the only reliable conservative on the continent to publicly admit that the Bush administration is full of brain-dead jerk-offs.

Still, I must bow to history and give the edge to soon-to-be-perennial loser John McCain. The Republicans like to nominate the standard-bearer (see previous column), and McCain has been working for the past three years to sow up conservative support. That he trails in the polls right now matters little. Once faced with the prospect of a liberal New York mayor or an ex-liberal Massachusetts governor, social conservatives will huddle in the lifeboat of John McCain, and as we found out with George W. Bush in 2000, as go the social conservatives, so goes the party. I’ll give McCain 8-1 odds to win the nomination (with Romney and Giuliani both tying at something like 15-1) and 20-1 to win the presidency in an election year when it will be hard to explain just how wrong you were about the Iraq war.

Given these odds, I will now be taking bets via e-mail for the rest of the summer: Anyone who can correctly predict both parties’ presidential tickets for 2008 (including VPs) will win mention in a column and a beer from me. If you find this contest stupid and the reward pitiful, I have only this to say: Just be glad you’re not stuck playing Republican chubby-bunny for the party’s nomination. At least in my contest you get a beer.