Primary Numbers
6 Things of Note From the Elections
Okay, so it's not that I've forgotten about my widely-unknown, mostly-irrelevant on-line column, but with the breakneck pace of the primary campaign season and a news cycle that keeps cycling itself like some kind of quickly cycling thing that continues to cycle despite your wishes, I kept changing my mind about what I wanted to write on next.
There are whole full-length columns about how Bill Clinton was not as great a president as he thinks, about how Super Tuesday is an absurd way to hold a primary election, about how obnoxious media storylines continue to taint the races, and now—prepare yourself—none of these columns will ever be seen. Don't loop the noose or cock back the hammer or draw a warm bath just yet. Here is another grab bag of my scintillating political observations from the last few weeks.
1) John McCain Should Scare Democrats
For the Democrats, the most disturbing development should surely be the resurgence of John McCain, which—I will never grow tired of pointing out—I told you would happen. In fact, my own father owes me twenty bucks over the issue (and Dad, don't think I won’t be asking for that in cash this time, you fucking bum).
Sure, you got Limbaugh, Hannity, and my old gal pal Ann Coulter ranting about how he's a closet liberal, but that’s exactly why McCain has a very good shot at winning the presidency. He’s going to challenge Democrats where they don't want to be challenged.
It's no secret to anyone that Republicans are practically masturbating at the thought of facing Hillary Clinton in the general election. She will coalesce that party around her as a common enemy even though they have little else going for them. McCain makes things even worse because he explodes her number one rationale for being president. McCain's experience, in life and in government, makes Clinton look like Jimmy, the congressional page from Idaho.
If Democrats don't see the danger in nominating Hillary, perhaps they'll finally start opening their eyes to her husband, who in this election season has debased himself in ways that made his escapades with Monica Lewinsky look downright dignified (see #6).
2) Rudolph Giuliani Sucks in Special, Special Way
Rudy Giuliani may very well have run one of the worst presidential campaigns ever. From now on when people screw something up fantastically, we'll say, "He really Giulianied the shit out of that one." In fact, the definition of the verb "to Giuliani" will go something like, "To take on a task with such lack of wit, skill, or cunning as to challenge the very notion that you are a functioning, breathing human being and not a mentally retarded barnyard animal, perhaps a severely handicapped bovine."
Back in May when Giuliani was leading in the polls and pundits were anointing him with whatever it is Republicans use in those kinds of ceremonies (presumably well-preserved mucus from Ronald Reagan's placenta), I pointed out that he made for a terrible Republican candidate. He was out of step with his party on every social issue, and his sole claim to leadership was that he happened to be mayor of New York during 9/11. This was a disturbingly thin resume from a man who was reviled by his hometown paper, who had more salacious scandals in his past than if Bill Clinton hosted a nekked party at the Kennedy compound, and whose own children refuse to speak to him. Further exacerbating his problems, Rudy decided he would skip the first five primaries and campaign only in Florida based on the premise that old ex-New Yorkers would carry him to glory. Congrats, Mr. September 11th, you just helped coin a new verb.
3) American Voters Are Mostly Idiots
The best example of this is the unlikely independent voter, who, in most cases, is a nose-picking, shovel-faced moron. This year independent voters have been vacillating between John McCain and Barack Obama. Forget that these two men have maybe .7 things in common policywise. Forget that they want to take the country in diametrically opposed directions in terms of the economy, health care, and Iraq. Forget anything either one of them actually says about any given issue. They still draw from the same pool of people who could really not give a shit less about stupid things like "issues." These people take their cues from the media, which describes both candidates as bi-partisan (approximately true), and then they conjure up a fantasy where they can ascribe to their candidate the policy positions they wish that man would have.
Thereby, most of the Republicans who don't like George W. Bush's Iraq war policy end up voting for John McCain even though he and the president share the same views. Thereby, pro-choice Democrats and independents vote for McCain because they want to think he's pro-choice (he's not). The same can be said about independents and conservatives who vote for Obama without realizing he's probably the most progressive mainstream candidate in a generation. If they're too dumb to realize what they're doing, I guess I don't care when they vote for my guy, right? I think that makes me the most cynical Obama supporter in the country.
4) Holy Shit, Do I Like Mike Huckabee?
Okay, this is a weird one, but I respect Mike Huckabee. Some of my friends are really going to question me on this. After all, Huckabee once said he wanted to quarantine AIDS patients, that he thinks homosexuals are sinners, and believes in Creationism, which is like believing The Lord of the Rings is a valid historical document.
Having said all that, at least Huckabee can see the forest for the trees occasionally. During an earlier Republican debate when the nominees were discussing an economic stimulus package, Huck suggested building a highway along the eastern seaboard that would improve the country's infrastructure and create more jobs than if we all get six hundred bucks to go shopping. I was so surprised I nearly had a stroke. Was that a Republican suggesting a massive public works project? Did a bear just NOT take a shit in the woods? Did the Pope come out of the Vatican with just a regular, everyday hat?
Yes, Huck was a Baptist minister but before that he was just a dirt poor kid from Arkansas. I can give credit where credit is due, and similarly, I think Huck hasn't forgotten what it's like to come from meager beginnings. That's why he has failed so miserably at espousing the same free-market, supply-side horseshit that his fellow candidates treat the way he does the Holy Bible.
5) I’m Going to Miss Mitt
Man, I can't believe Mitt "What Do You Guys Hate? Do You Hate Taxes? I Hate Taxes! Abortion? I Loathe Abortion! And Gays, I Hate Gays! Oh, And You Like Reagan? Reagan's the Best! And Jobs? Jobs are so great! I Know About Jobs! I Know How To Move Them Overseas To Increase Pro—I Mean, I Make Jobs! I Shit Jobs! My Large Intestine Produces Jobs And Then I Evacuate Them Into The Economy!" Romney dropped out. (By the way, I have a trademark on that nickname.)
Like I said back in April, this was inevitable. Mitt Romney was a hard-core conservative like I'm a hard-core pregnant Filipino woman. But he was soooo entertaining. All candidates sleaze and pander to some degree, but Mitt Romney made it an art form. He could turn his opinion on a dime, reinvent his message on a whim, and blindly attack his opponents like a maced Grizzly bear accidentally gnawing off its own hind leg. He wanted to be like Ronald Reagan, and he was: A mesmerizing, transformative douche bag.
6) Bill Clinton Made a Fool of Himself
In order to downplay Barack Obama's impending win in the South Carolina primary, Bill Clinton made the following statement: "Jesse Jackson won South Carolina in 1984 and 1988." He said this to a reporter who had asked him about the trade deficit or something equally unrelated.
I don't get what the big deal is; Bill was simply saying, "BLACKS vote for BLACKS, you see? So of course Obama will win South Carolina. No big deal. He's just another BLACK candidate like Jesse Jackson, who can win in South Carolina where BLACK people don't know any better. But he has no chance to win the nomination because he's BLACK and voters outside of South Carolina will see he's BLACK and vote the regular way! You see, what I'm saying is he's BLACK!"
With Obama ahead in delegates, states, fundraising, and the popular vote as of this column, I will smugly let the numbers speak for themselves, Bill.
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